I was going to wait until payday. I was going to treat her to a wonderful night. I was going to buy her dinner, and surprise her with a promise ring. I was going to then take her to the movies. I was going to hold her hand during the movie, and tell her I was sorry for the way I’d been, I had just needed some time to think, and I’d been really busy, and I never wanted to make her feel unloved or unhappy. I had to wait though, because all good things require patience and effort. But, I’d also told her before that this was the last inning of our little baseball game relationship. Three strikes and you’re out, right? I was patiently waiting, trying my hardest. But, I’m not someone who is great at expressing how I feel. And I knew she was drifting away towards another guy that she knew before and knew better. She couldn’t wait til payday. She couldn’t wait for me. She cashed out early for a better model of car, and I’m just sorry I wasn’t good enough. But like I said, three strikes is all that’s allowed, and now the game is over. It’s sad that she couldn’t wait til payday, that she couldn’t be patient, because I would have made it worth it. I needed to wait til payday, she couldn’t wait, I had to be sure of what I was doing, she got fed up with hanging around for the unpredictable. I wanted to be patient. Too bad.
I was worth the wait, but I guess you thought otherwise.
It’s only going to cause trouble
Never tell someone you’re keeping a secret from them. It’s annoying, and it makes that person believe you’re lying to them about something because secrets just seem dishonest. If you’re trying to keep a secret, keep it secret. It’s only going to cause trouble.
I realized I really don’t use this that often. Is that a bad thing? I don’t know. I do know a few things however, I know that I hate lying awake and thinking. I think too much when I’m awake late at night. I sometimes worry that I’m the odd one, and that I’m not normal. I can see people and analyze what I think their flaws are, and feel comfortable in some false sense of security because I don’t believe myself to be like them. Am I better? No, I don’t think so. I can see these Christians and they’re perverting and weaponizing their faith, and yet they can justify it. And fundamentally I disagree with ideas like theirs, yet I still call myself a Christian.
I guess I’m having a crisis of identity. But how do you cure the blues of a man who doesn’t understand himself? I feel so out of touch, because I have people preaching to me that I should live by one set of ideals, yet several parts of their ideals directly conflict with my moral ethics that I’ve always lived by, even when I was an Aethiest! I don’t think I was a bad person when I was an Aethiest, and I don’t think I’m any WORSE of a person, but am I better? I’ve always lived by ETHICS, and that’s all. Then I found faith in my Lord, because he is love, and that made sense to me. but these foundations and laws and regulations and such only confuse me. Should all non-Christians go to Hell? Is someone like Ghandi deserving of Hell? Some people would say yes, simply because he was not a Christian.
They say you can’t take anything from this world with you into the next life. Well, except for your sins and your faith, because that’s all that matters. Yet my mind rebels against such thought! Is a man any less of a man depending upon his motives? When a Christian man does a good deed, he is praised and called a good Christian because it is expected of him to behave in a selfless way. But when a non-Christian does it, he’s called suspect? That’s a little confusing, shouldn’t we suspect the Christian more than the non-Christian, simply because the Christian actually has something to gain from living a good life? If good deeds are done without even the thought of reward, without even the option, aren’t they all the more precious then?
I feel like my ideas make me a “bad” Christian though. But sometimes I worry that Christianity isn’t about love anymore, love for God your neighbor and your God, but rather about who is the holiest. Who adheres to the Bible’s laws most. And Christianity has almost developed an anti-social view of other religions, so willing to condemn and curse them. Where is the love these days?
But I was not raised Christian, and I developed into an Aethiest who was later converted. Maybe I’m missing something, but it seems to me that the main idea is to be GOOD, for the simple act of being good, right? It’s not just religion though, it’s more than that. It seems like no matter where you go, people are thinking “my side your side”. And will vehemently oppose any idea that did not originate from their side. And this seems so counterproductive to so much, and to the basic precept of human life: the will to survive and coexist peacefully.
But hey, maybe I’m just off, right?
I didn’t expect one word to hurt me so badly. Now I’m upset and confused and I wish that I knew how I felt about this. I don’t understand what happened.
But Only Sometimes
Sometimes, I’ll get really insecure. I’ll worry needlessly about stupid things, but I feel I have good reason. Sometimes I worry about the past repeating itself, but then I say “you’re being stupid, it’s different now!” and I go back to what I was doing, which is usually playing guitar. Sometimes I worry about people, about what they may or may not do, and that makes me feel like a bad person for not being as trusting as I wish I was. Sometimes I feel very territorial, which I think is a little ridiculous. even the word is ridiculous, it makes me think of dogs guarding a yard or something like that. Sometimes I stay awake late at night, playing music because I can’t sleep very well, and I then stop playing music and start thinking too much. Sometimes I’m very mean and rude to myself by being a pessimist and the opposite of a narcissist by just putting myself down. Sometimes I act a little weird, but there’s almost always a reason behind it, good or not. And that either gets me into trouble sometimes or it will sometimes make me mad at myself for acting like a fool. Sometimes I feel inadequate, uncool, strange, eccentric, backwards, introverted, awkward, needy, annoying, jealous, and very alone. Sometimes I blog my feelings instead of confronting them. But only sometimes.
Anonymous asked: You're in love, aren't you?
I believe I am actually. It’s such a relief to be able to trust someone again.
Being able to say those words again, to be able to feel them again, to be able to bring them forth again with truth behind them is incredibly wonderful. I haven’t been this happy in a long time
not being able to say what I really feel, to say “be with me, forget him” because I know it’s not the right thing to say. for once I want to make myself happy by doing something for myself for once. I get stuck in how I feel because I feel so strongly.