Introvertingly interesting

Thoughts

I realized I really don’t use this that often. Is that a bad thing? I don’t know. I do know a few things however, I know that I hate lying awake and thinking. I think too much when I’m awake late at night. I sometimes worry that I’m the odd one, and that I’m not normal. I can see people and analyze what I think their flaws are, and feel comfortable in some false sense of security because I don’t believe myself to be like them. Am I better? No, I don’t think so. I can see these Christians and they’re perverting and weaponizing their faith, and yet they can justify it. And fundamentally I disagree with ideas like theirs, yet I still call myself a Christian.
I guess I’m having a crisis of identity. But how do you cure the blues of a man who doesn’t understand himself? I feel so out of touch, because I have people preaching to me that I should live by one set of ideals, yet several parts of their ideals directly conflict with my moral ethics that I’ve always lived by, even when I was an Aethiest! I don’t think I was a bad person when I was an Aethiest, and I don’t think I’m any WORSE of a person, but am I better? I’ve always lived by ETHICS, and that’s all. Then I found faith in my Lord, because he is love, and that made sense to me. but these foundations and laws and regulations and such only confuse me. Should all non-Christians go to Hell? Is someone like Ghandi deserving of Hell? Some people would say yes, simply because he was not a Christian.
They say you can’t take anything from this world with you into the next life. Well, except for your sins and your faith, because that’s all that matters. Yet my mind rebels against such thought! Is a man any less of a man depending upon his motives? When a Christian man does a good deed, he is praised and called a good Christian because it is expected of him to behave in a selfless way. But when a non-Christian does it, he’s called suspect? That’s a little confusing, shouldn’t we suspect the Christian more than the non-Christian, simply because the Christian actually has something to gain from living a good life? If good deeds are done without even the thought of reward, without even the option, aren’t they all the more precious then?
I feel like my ideas make me a “bad” Christian though. But sometimes I worry that Christianity isn’t about love anymore, love for God your neighbor and your God, but rather about who is the holiest. Who adheres to the Bible’s laws most. And Christianity has almost developed an anti-social view of other religions, so willing to condemn and curse them. Where is the love these days?
But I was not raised Christian, and I developed into an Aethiest who was later converted. Maybe I’m missing something, but it seems to me that the main idea is to be GOOD, for the simple act of being good, right? It’s not just religion though, it’s more than that. It seems like no matter where you go, people are thinking “my side your side”. And will vehemently oppose any idea that did not originate from their side. And this seems so counterproductive to so much, and to the basic precept of human life: the will to survive and coexist peacefully.
But hey, maybe I’m just off, right?